her vagina looked like bernie madoff
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
