Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
