i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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