Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Farmville is her only friend.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
