Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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