im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
