"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
