The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
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The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
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Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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