sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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