My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
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Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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