are you so shy because you have an std?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
