Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
