She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
