there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
