Pregnant stripper...not hot.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
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