do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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