She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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