He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
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It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
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Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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