dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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