"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
