Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
