It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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