i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
