so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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