if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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