I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
