Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
