The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
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