i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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