Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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