I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
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She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
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Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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