Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
