i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
