I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I checked into jail on foursquare
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My dick has a subreddit
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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