nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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