If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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