I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
They are going to name an STD after you.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
