There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Randomize
