That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
