I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
