4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I supernannyed him into submission
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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