So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
