Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
