he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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