it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
