its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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