where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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