i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You ate ashes out of my bong
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
