now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
