god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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