he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
