what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
