when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
