I love black thongs
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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