I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
